Goal Setting Secret #1 – Know What You Want

My name is Beatrice Crocker, and I help women to stand in their power and get ahead of a pack. And I work with women in male dominated professions to get the career that they want. You can find out more about me at beatricecrocker.com

Today’s post is the first in a series of three, which is three secrets to always getting what you want. And today I’m sharing secret number one. 

Watch the video and read more below

 

 

Secret #1 How to know what you want. 

How often do you say this “I know exactly what I want in my life” ?

hmmmm, like never right? 

I know this is something I’ve really struggled with.  Although for a long time I didn’t realise it.  But I was definitely living life according to what I had been told what to do vs what I most wanted.  It wasn’t a conscious thing.  I’d had goals for career and relationships and I achieved them.  I just didn’t have bigger goals or appreciated what I really wanted in my life.  And it didn’t click for me until a great friend and mentor told me ‘You have to have a plan Beatrice, you have to know where you’re heading and WHY you’re pursuing it’.  

It sounds like an easy thing to say but let’s face its not an easy thing to do.  

For a long time I led a life according to shoulds instead of examining what I really wanted. I should have a high paying job, I should have a house, I should get married etc. And although these things are great, I never asked myself what do I really want? And when I did it it was really hard work, because for a long time I had overlaid other people’s wants onto what I thought I wanted. 

I hadn’t done the work.

So I ended up marrying the wrong person, buying the wrong house, and staying in the right job, but for too long until it became the wrong job. And to be quite honest I didn’t even realise I was leading a life of shoulds, but I look back now and I can see I was doing just that. Of course that’s the beauty of hindsight. However, during this period I got sick a lot, I had colds, sinus infections, migraines, nearly lost the eyesight in one eye, and a breast cancer scare (thankfully only a scare). So my body was screaming at me to stop, but I just kept going anyway. 

And so when I found myself single again, no hubby, no baby, no house. That was really when I took the time to self examine and really have a look at what I really wanted in life. And I guess my biggest realisation was that I wasn’t very good at doggedly pursuing what I truly wanted, and I wasn’t very good at knowing what that was either. 

So I’m sharing the secrets that I’ve learnt in terms of getting what you want because now that I have done the work, and I understand my WHY (helping women progress) and WHAT I want to achieve.  I have had the happiest, most satisfying 2 years of my life.  

I really want this for you as well.   

So if you’ve gone for a long time without being clear on what you want, this series will help you get crystal clear. 

What do you really want? 

1. Let instinct be your best friend.

It’s time to practice letting instinct guide you. The best way to tap into instinct is to focus on your emotional and physical reactions. 

  • How do certain events make you feel ? 
  • How do people make you feel physically and emotionally? 
  • Do you feel relaxed, energised, happy, at ease?
  • Do you feel tight, contracting, anxious, uncomfortable? 
  • When you feel most relaxed? 
  • When do you feel most energised ? 
  • When do you feel super healthy? 
  • When do you feel on edge? 
  • What gives you an instant headache? 
  • When does that injury play up again? 

All these reactions are giving you clues to what you want and love and what you don’t.  

Action: 

1. Take notes on how people, events, ideas, make you feel and act. 

2. Take note of any recurring themes. 

2.  Embrace variety

Try lots of new and different things in your life. 

Say YES more. 

So if you’ve sort of dropped some hobbies, go back to old hobbies, find some new hobbies and activities. 

Action:

  1. Write down what makes you happy, sad, passive, excited, joyful, tired. 
  2. Is something draining your life force? Then, stop doing it. 
  3. Invest more time in the activity that boost your energy and make you feel good.   

3. Turn a negative into a postiive

 

Write down a list of things that you don’t like, at work, in terms of a partner, in terms of your home. They don’t have to be current things, they could just be things you know you don’t love, 

Action:  

Reverse it. 

So if you’re like look I don’t like being in roles that require high detail and little human interaction, then the  reverse of that is I like being in strategic creative roles with lots of time spent face to face with people. And so if you haven’t really had a lot of time recently where you’ve really been happy doing something, write down all the things like are really bugging you, and then reverse it. And it will give you the keys to what will make you really happy. 

4. Feel it out

Don’t expect too much too quickly. If you’re out of practice with knowing and feeling what you want then it will take time. So start off small and build up. And if you’re working on big life changes focus on changing one thing at a time not everything. If that’s a choice. 

After getting divorced I lived in three different houses, made three different job changes – all in 18 months. It was way too much change!!! Some of this was definitely avoidable and it happened because I just didn’t take the time to listen to myself and give myself some breathing room to feel it all out. 

Action: 

1. Take all the time you need. 

                    

Getting instinct back into your life takes practice. 

Good luck!  

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How to help someone who has been bullied

This post is about how to help someone who has been bullied when you are their line manager.

8 ways to help someone who has been bullied who reports to you

  1. Believe them
  2. Support them
  3. Give them a break from the team
  4. Move them away from the bullies
  5. Create opportunities for praise, confidence building and feeling great about their skills again
  6. Make them safe
  7. Be understanding
  8. Be physically present and accessible

Read more below or watch my latest video.


The first thing you need to do if someone comes to you about bullying or maybe someone else comes to you on their behalf and then you go to speak to them is to believe them.

You may have doubts. That’s okay. But believe them in that moment and explore what has happened with them.

What you need to do then is verify the events that have happened and potentially give that person a new environment or project or assignment so you can separate them in some way from the bullies, making sure that those changes don’t negatively impact their career.

It might be that you move bullies away from them.

It might be that you just give them a break from the current work environment for a short period of time so that you can assess the situation and what to do.

Ask yourself, are you confident the person is and feels safe?

Are they really comfortable coming to work?

Make sure that all the support that can be made available to them is.

Have at least weekly check-ins with the person who’s been bullied to reinforce your support and that you expect change to be happening in the team.

Really address the side effects of bullying such as lower confidence, self esteem, and ability for that person to perform their work. Create opportunities for praise, confidence boosting work and reinforcement of their skill set.

Be understanding. 

What you might need to do is just make extra time available for leave, time off to attend counselling sessions. They’re likely to experience high levels of sick leave and make sure that they’re being supported both from a physical and emotional perspective.

The other aspect would be to ensure that you listen and have time for them so that when they come to you and they need to speak to you about what’s happening, particularly if the bullying doesn’t actually stop, that you have that time available for them.

As a line manager, you may need to reschedule your meetings. Make sure you’re more present with your team so you’re aware of what is happening and that you’re confident that the team culture has changed, keeping in mind that of course everyone’s behaviour in the team changes when the manager is around that team.

Questions to ask the person who are being bullied when they first come to you and for those first few initial sessions are:

Do you feel safe?

What is the impact this is having on you?

How can I support you?

What do you most want to happen now?

How can we make you feel safe and what would you like to change, stop or continue?

I would just like to reiterate that the most important thing that you do is you do believe them. Even if later on you actually find that they aren’t being bullied and there’s some other motivation, the only way to really find that out is to believe it in the first place and work out what is happening.

So I really hope that helps you as a line manager. I really wish you a lot of luck. It is a very difficult thing to lead a team or individual through.

Good Luck!

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How to stop bullying in your team

 

This post is about how to stop bullying in your team when you’re the line manager responsible for that team. I’ve had a number of experiences working with this – working with bullying from people reporting to me, groups of people reporting to me, or people who work with my team and are bullying my team.

Read more below or watch the video.

 

It isn’t a pleasant experience to go through as a manager, and it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced as a manager. It is a very stressful personal experience.  One where you really need to have a structured framework to help you work through the situation to minimise the stress and maximise the opportunity to improve for your team.

The first part of this post is about how to identify bullying in your team and the second one will be about how do you actually go about stopping the bullying.

How to identify bullying in your team. 

If you suspect that there’s bullying in your team, I pretty much guarantee that there actually is.

The things to look for include:

  • Are people regularly crying in the office or around the office?
  • Do you have some people who are suddenly having a lot of extra sick leave or illnesses that seem completely out of character, out of norm, and don’t have really any explanation?
  • Do you find that people seem upset, but don’t want to talk about it? 
  • Do you find that you’ve got a small group of people that are regularly huddled together in and around the office space?
  • Do you repeatedly see one or two members of your team excluded from events, huddles or meetings? (Exclusion is a big way to identify bullying and is probably one of the favourite techniques of bullies to impact someone at work).
  • Do people have strange nicknames for other people in the team so that they can talk about them openly without being caught?
  • Do a small group of people repeatedly bring up issues about one person, which you have never witnessed yourself? (This is a real tactic of bullies is to target someone with made up stuff.)
  • Do one or two people in your team seem extremely stressed, panicky, second guessing themselves and losing confidence, with no real explanation? 
  • Have people come to you with complaints or concerns about those one or two people, about how one of those people are being treated? So often what you’ll find when people are bullying, other people actually will stand up for them. The person being bullied will often have had their confidence so destroyed that they won’t be able to raise the issue themselves and won’t be confident enough to talk through it because they’re afraid – they’re afraid of not being believed.
  • Have you had people make up provable lies about someone? 
  • Have people raised an issue about someone that seems completely out of character and cannot be proven? So again, making up myths, stories and lies to put someone down and exclude them and make them look bad in the workplace, is another favourite of bullies.
  • Has one or two people’s work performance slid recently and is there one person that everyone complains about?

The top things there are look for are people being excluded, put down, unsupported in the work place, made fun of.

How do you stop bullying once you’ve identified it? 

Get Your Boss’s Support

The first thing is, if you’re in a large organization, get the problem acknowledged by your boss and preferably your boss’ boss as well. The reason that I say that is I have gone about trying to deal with bullying in a work place without my boss’ support and had my boss actively support the people who are doing the bullying because they wanted to be part of the group. I can’t explain that, but it made it really difficult to deal with the bullying because what happens is that as soon as you start to deal with it, the bullies will go to your boss, or someone more senior, to get support and say that they’re being victimized by bullying. So you need to get ahead of that straight away, and I would actually say do not proceed with addressing bullying unless you have that support.

Create a Plan of Action

Work out a plan of action and ensure your HR department, if you’ve got a HR department, is informed and supportive and is very clearly saying what you can and can’t do. Once you’ve got that plan, start to enact it and what you’ll need to do is individually discuss the issues with each bully, making sure that you have a witness present. Ensure that all meetings are minuted and minutes are sent out to all the stakeholders. Ensure you have at least a weekly meeting to discuss with your boss what is happening, if not daily.

Also ensure you have a meeting with the person being bullied, but I will deal with that in a separate post, because that’s a whole different strategy.

The Bully Must Acknowledge the IMPACT of their behaviour

The key is, the bully must acknowledge the problem, the bully must accept the negative impact of their behaviour, the bully must apologise directly to that individual and preferably publicly as well with the team. The bully must commit to change, the bully must immediately demonstrate change.

Those are the things that you have to work on, and nothing is going to change until you have all of that in place.

If you’ve got a gang of bullies, split them up. They cannot sit together, preferably they shouldn’t be working together, you’ll have to rearrange assignments and projects, whatever it is, you need to make sure that you separate those people.

Remove the person being bullied from that group. So if there’s someone who’s sitting in a group, say a group of four, and three of them are bullying one person, that person you’ve got to get them away from that group because they’re basically in an unsafe situation, and nothing’s going to improve until you disperse this whole group and the whole culture that’s happening there, and separating people so they’re not sitting together is a very quick, simple way to do that.

Get support. 

Everyone involved, including yourself as the manager, is going to be going through an incredible amount of stress, and there’s probably been a lot of stress leading up to the bullying being dealt wtih. Make sure that you are getting regular counseling, coaching and support yourself. And I would recommend weekly counselling for yourself as a manager.

Time box it. 

No more than eight weeks to get change to happen before you go into formal performance management. When you’ve exhausted all avenues then you need to make sure that you are aware of all the paths in the HR policy and performance management to addressing the bullying, and make sure you have a HR person on board.

The other thing I would get is legal advice. If you can’t get it via your company, get independent legal advice on if the behaviour is in fact criminal, and what your role in this means from a legal perspective and what happens if you’re not able to stop it.

Make sure you document everything.

I really hope that helps people. This is my framework for stopping bullying. I have used it, it is effective, but it’s only effective if the bully acknowledges their behaviour.

What you need to remember about bullying is that, the key questions you need to ask yourself is, is your workplace safe, mentally, emotionally and physically? 

Is the person being bullied safe, and do they consider themselves safe? 

Questions to ask bullies are:

  • Does your behaviour create a safe place for everyone in the team?
  • What are you doing to make the workplace safe or not safe?
  • What behaviour will you stop immediately, and what will you do now to make sure that that person feels is 100% safe and they feel safe all the time?

That ends the lesson.

Good luck!

 

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How to get a promotion – A Promotion framework

How to get a promotion

1. Use a framework
2. Know Your Role
3. Identify Pathways
4. Create a current state assessment
5. Create a Plan
6. Be Flexible (get feedback)
7. Network
8. Have a contingency plan
9. Reflect
10. Know your timeframes

Want more?  Watch the 10 steps here and download the book for FREE.

 

Want to get ahead of the pack and stand in your pack? Want to lead the pack and get that promotion this year? Then book a complimentary consult today to get started. 

Want to get a promotion?

Use a framework
The best approach is to really have a structured framework that you’re working towards which you can read more in my book “I’m Ready Now! – A Guide for Getting a Promotion”.  This framework involved 10 steps to get that promotion.

Know Your Role
Know exactly what position or positions you’re going for and why you want to go for them.

Pathways
Identify your pathways to a promotion.

Is your company very focused on formal pathways where you need to go to several interviews or is it better to network away into a promotion or maybe a combination?

Have a look at the last two years of promotions into the roles that you want to go into and see how people have successfully got into those roles.

Don’t pursue pathways that are not proven to be ones that actually work for people to get into those jobs.

Current State Assessment
Do a current state assessment so look around your environment and work out who the key influencers, stakeholders, and decision makers are in the promotion process. Make sure that you’ve got those people onboard and working for you in terms of getting a promotion.

Create A Plan
The next thing is to do is actually create a plan. Sit down and work through a plan on how you’re actually going to spend your time working towards a promotion and give yourself a timeframe of three to six months and tasks that you’re going to pursue every single week to get there.

Be Flexible
The next step is to really monitor, revise, adapt your plan and check in. Check in weekly to see how your plan is going and if you’re progressing well to that plan. Also, give yourself a timeframe to say when you’re going to stop pursuing a promotion in your current department or workplace and to start looking outside your organisation.

Network
I also really recommend within that plan to make sure that you are doing some level of external networking outside your existing department or company so that you have different options open if a promotion does not become available to you in the timeframe you want so that you can pursue a promotion somewhere else.

Have a contingency plan
Have contingency options in place so you don’t get a promotion in six months you know what you’ll do instead?

What is your next strategy?

Reflection
If you do end up getting that promotion take some time to reflect, appreciate and take learnings on what you would do or repeat next time you’re going for a promotion.

Don’t Stop
The other tip I would give you is as soon as you get in your  next promotion, start working towards your next one.

Understand your timeframes
If you haven’t been working towards a promotion and now you’ve started it generally takes a minimum of 6 to 12 if not 18 months to make that promotion happen. Particularly if you have to do it through informal ways such as networking as these networks can take a long time to build.

Those are my top tips for getting a promotion. I hope they really help you progress. Good luck with your career and as I said I’m Beatrice Crocker. If you want more download the book for free. It really helps layout all this information in detail and I created it to help women progress because we don’t always get access to this information.

Want to work with me, book a complimentary consult today to get started.   

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4 actionable steps to build your confidence today

4 actionable steps to take to build confidence today 

1. Have Perspective. You’re not alone.
2. Do small things. What is one thing you can do today to increase your confidence?
3. Find an accidental mentor.
4. Adopt an enduring desire for change

Want more?

Click the picture to watch the back story.

Want to get ahead of the pack and stand in your power?

Want to lead your pack and get that promotion this year?

Want to take control and get results?

Want exclusive support?

Then book a complimentary consult today to get started.

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5 ways to get the respect you deserve in every meeting you run

1. Agree ways of working and behaving for every meeting
2. Keep the agenda narrow to 2-3 topics only
3. Keep the attendee list as small as possible
4. When people behave badly and refuse to change, remove them from the attendee list (and get instant respect from everyone else)
5. Ask for feedback

Want more?  Watch the back story by clicking the linked picture below or continue reading below.

Want to get ahead of the pack and stand in your power? Want to lead your pack and get that promotion this year? Then book a complimentary consult with me today to get started. 

The backstory:
I was recently running a series of meetings last year where behaviours were less than ideal. These included people talking over each other, not listening to each other, not respecting my role as chair, not respecting people who were presenting — so just talking over, interrupting, asking questions at the wrong time, making personal attacks, being very competitive, being very negative, and just outright rude behaviours.

As much as I could have blamed the people  for their “bad behaviours”  I took responsibility as the chair and really looked at what I could control within the meeting.

Why were things going so wrong?

What was contributing to the behaviours?

What had happened is that over many months the agenda had become bloated. The invite list had tripled and the attendees really had a different understanding what the meeting was for compared to myself or the original members of the meeting. This meant people came in confused, felt unheard, felt that their issues were undervalued. Because they weren’t given space on the agenda  they would fight to create that space.

So, I just took a step back and I said, “Well, I have to address these issues.”

What I did next is I relaunched the meeting and reframed the agenda of the meeting to be much narrower and clearer. I reduced the number of topics and agenda items from 12 to 3.   Set really strict times for each agenda item. And allowed specific time for Q & A and discussion and we would go around the room to make sure that everyone was heard and prompt them to ask questions or to get feedback.

So the meeting went from something that was very loose to something super-structured. And I did sort of hesitate a little bit on that, thinking that that was going to be too structured. I also reduced the invite list by about 70%.  And, obviously, that was controversial because some people didn’t want to be left out of the meeting. But for me the point of the meeting was to achieve certain objectives for which only certain people needed to attend to do so.

I also went and spoke individually to some of the people in the meeting and asked for their support for my role as chair and also to support better behaviours in the meeting of each other and themselves. I asked for respect when people were speaking, rather than talking over them and bringing up old war stories to attack people with.

Old stories don’t let us create a new story.

The most powerful thing I did was relaunch the forum and complete an exercise in that first forum on how do we want to feel and make others feel in our meeting. That really was about instilling responsibility for behaviour amongst everyone, not just myself as a chair or the leaders in the room but everyone who was attending.

The impact of these actions was really to take a ramshackle, aggressive meeting, where people felt anxious attending it, to a well run, respectful, enjoyable, easy meeting that people wanted to attend, an easy meeting for me to run, and a very easy meeting for people to speak up in.

And I had feedback from people saying, “I was beginning to feel anxious coming to that meeting, and now I feel like I really want to go to that meeting. And I’m not worried any more.”

Don’t be afraid to relaunch a meeting. Don’t be afraid to take people out of the meeting if they’re no longer suitable to attend, and the other thing I would say is take the time to discuss what behaviours you want in the meeting.

This is a great way to make everyone feel included, make everyone part of the story of that meeting, and also to take the temperature down if things are out of control.

I hope you found this really useful. My name is Beatrice Crocker, and I am the founder and lead coach of I’m Ready Now! Coaching and I am an executive coach that works with  women who work in traditionally male dominated fields or have reached that job level where there are very few women in the peer group.

I want you to find more purpose, meaning, leadership and growth in your career. I’m passionate about helping women to be seen living their true purpose and who want to radiantly embrace their lives, find more meaning, purpose, and growth in their career.

If you’d like to work with me, book a complimentary consult today to get started.   

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Following your heart opens up your world to possibility

What is the biggest learning you had this week?

If you follow me on Linkedin, Facebook or Insta, you will have noticed I sometimes post a learning of the week. These learnings cover 3 areas – what I learnt about myself, what I learnt about other or society, what I learnt at work.

Here are some highlights from my notes over Dec-Jan:

  • People listen when you communicate a message in the way they need to hear it
  • Kindness is powerful
  • Following your heart opens your world to possibility
  • We all love to laugh
Following your heart opens up your world to possibility
Following your heart opens up your world to possibility

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What have you learnt this week at work, about others and about yourself?

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Why is everyone just so critical ? Second chances and letting relationships just evolve.

How quickly do you label a colleague, direct report, peer or boss an idiot?   After one or two stuff ups, poorly chosen words or a funny facial expression?

I remember a mentor of mine once saying: “Why are aussies SO critical all the time?”

It seems like any minor problem will be taken as sufficient reason to write someone off entirely.

The most rewarding relationships are those that we invest in, when we truly get to know someone under a lot of different conditions.

In 2017, I discovered how rewarding seeing past someone’s reputation was and taking the time to develop a strong relationship could be.  But it took TIME and openness from both sides.  It meant having open conversations about things that bothered me and it meant me being open to things that bothered him.  It was worth the effort.

Is there someone you have written off?

What would happen if you tried again to build a positive relationship?

What are you missing out on by being closed off to this person?

What are the differences between boundaries and letting relationships grow organically?

Are we just too critical?

 

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Chose your own fairytale

Is this rebellious?

The future?

The now?  

I have an explosion of thoughts when I read this:

  • Why does this statement feel revolutionary in 2018?
  • Why do women need to be saved and men be our saviours?
  • Could this line ever read: “And the princess and prince lived happily ever after in their own big castle with all their own money and they took care of themselves and each other. The end.”
  • Is women’s happiness a story of being saved by a man vs saved by herself?
  • How does a man support a women who is 100% independent?
  • What if a princess wants another princess to move in with her?

I love these quotes, they are gung-ho and make me think big. They also seem to sit very much in the same story – prioritising material wealth with no mention of romantic, emotional or spiritual abundance.  Yes, we need a roof over our heads but we also need SO MUCH MORE!

Yes, we need independence but I for one want lots of love, romance and a partner in my life.

Are love and independence mutually exclusive (I hope not)?

Does a feminist re-make of fairytales exclude love?

If you could write your own fairytale in one or two sentences, what would your happily ever after story be?

My version:

And the successful business women, lived happily ever after, in her own lavish townhouse, travelled everywhere lots, loved and was loved lots, felt like she belonged all the time, had her own cleaner, and shared all her favourite stories with a gorgeous independent man who loved her just as she was, and she took care of herself and all her abundance (money, spirituality, health) and always wore fabulous clothes and red nail polish…. and just really had a great time always! The end! 🙂

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Diplomacy 101

Respect confidences given freely.

Some of my biggest life lessons happened early particularly in regard to being diplomatic.  These lessons have always helped me especially in corporate roles. I originally shared this via Facebook and am sharing here with you just in case you missed it.

What lessons did you learn early and still apply today?

What happened?

When I was young (less than 10 I think), Mum told me how she had to give up studying at high-school at the end of Year 10 and shift to secretarial studies because she was a girl. Her brother was allowed to finish and become an engineer. I remember being MAD! Really MAD!

Shortly after, I remember walking beside my Poppa (Mum’s Dad). We were walking next to Frankston Tafe, opposite the train station. I remember it being a hot summers day. I seem to remember holding my Poppa’s hand, peering up with the sun in my eyes and saying ‘Poppa, why didn’t you let Mummy finish high-school?’


Afterwards (not sure how long afterwards), I remember Mum telling me never to repeat anything she told me to Poppa or too anyone else again. Mum was MAD, really MAD!

How did I feel?

Ashamed that I had embrassed my Mum and caused trouble.

Outraged that the issue was me speaking up, not the issue I perceived to be the ‘real issue’.

Taken aback, I thought I was helping.

What did I learn?

Don’t raise an objection on someone else’s behalf unless you have their permission.

Understand what is confidential and personal vs public knowledge.
Respect confidences given freely.

Epilogue : my Mum went back to school while I was in high school and completed a Bachelor of Arts and a Masters in Feminism studies and returned to the paid workforce until retirement.

Now, I’d love to hear from you.

What lessons did you learn early and still apply today?

 

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